I recently heard from a wife who was being hurt by her husband's constant comparisons between her and other women. Sometimes, he compared her to her sisters, friends, coworkers, or acquaints. Other times, he compared her to complete strangers. She had been trying to ignore this for a while, but laately, it had been angering and grating on her so badly that it was very negatively affecting her marriage.
The wife said in part: "My husband compares me to everyone. And the comparisons are never favorable. I'm not as thin as my sister. A mom as our neighbor. I'm not as good a cook as his best friend's wife. I'm not as good as a lover as his old girlfriend. goes to open his mouth. At first, I used to ignore him, but this is starting to happen all of the time and become much more hurtful. with something equally as nasty. How would he like it if I compared him to other men? I would never do this because it would hurt his feelings and he's my husband. him on this, he says I'm too sensitive. It's gotten to a point where he will openly stare at other women right in front of me. uch longer I can take this. What do I do? "
After a little more clarification, it became apparent to me that the husband would make these comments and the wife would withdraw and give him the cold shoulder for a short period of time afterwards. Over time, she had learned that bringing this up would only make her husband accuse her of being over sensitive. And if she tried to snap back at him, then he would become angry and things would just get worse. So instead, she would say nothing and she would stew. This caused resentment and deteriorated their marriage. More and more, she was being avoiding spending time with her husband because of this and other problems. So this was something that I felt had to be addressed and could not be left in the hopes that it would just work itself out. In the following article, I'll offer some tips on understanding why a husband may regularly compare you to other women and how to best deal with it.
Why A Husband Might Compare His Wife To Other Women: The wife could not understand why her husband would be doing this. He did not act this way when they were dating. It was only within the past five years or so that he had begun this type of behavior. There are various reasons that a husband might act this way. Sometimes, this is their passive aggressive way of drawing your attention to something they wish was so. And, they may be saying it's about your parenting skills or your work ethic, but it is usually about something else completely.
Many men criticize you for reasons that have nothing whatsever to do with you. They are often trying to get your attention in the hopes that you will pay more attention to them or to things at home (as illegally that this sound sound.) So they will often hit you with very low blows in an attempt to push your buttons just to get a reaction.
Other times, a man will point out your perceived flaws because he is very aware of his own. Sometimes, a man's comparison of you is really driven by his own lack of self esteem or because of his own worries. Sometimes, when I speak with the men on the other side of this situation it's clear that they try to pull their wife down because they deserve her. They secretly worry that if she knew how special she really was, she would leave him so one way to make sure that this never happens is to point out her shortcomings. And sometimes men react to stress by being critical of who is most convenient.
I am not defending this behavior. I am just trying to let you know that if you are in this situation, you can be assured that these comparisons are not reflective on you. They are reflective of him and you have to decide if you want to change it, continue to live with it, or remove yourself from it. (My recommendation is to attempt to change it if you can.)
How To Handle It When Your Husband Always Compares You To Other Women: The wife in this situation did not want to walk away. She asserted that there were other redeeming qualities in her husband. But she did not want to continue to live this way either, nor did she deserve to. And each time her husband did this, it deteriorated her marriage even more. I know that she dared to confront this because it appeared to only make things worse, but ignoring it just ensures that it keeps happening.
I suggested that the next time her husband compared her to someone else, she should make a note of it and vow to bring it up at a time when things were calm. If you try to address it when you are hurting or angry, you run the risk it becoming even worse. So, when things are going well and you are calm, that is the time to address it.
I would suggest saying something to the effect of: "I need to discuss something with you that has been weighing on me. Yesterday, you compared me to (fill in the blank.) This was hurtful and unnecessary. Honestly, this happens a lot. this makes me feel like I'm not making you happy or that you wish I was different. I worry that over time, it will make me resentful. And I know that you do not mean to hurt me. So, from now on, when it happens again, I'm going to draw your attention to it and ask you what is really bothering you. "
This is just a suggestion. You can use the words that are most appropriate to your husband and your situation. But the point is to address it in a constructive way, to open the door for him to tell you what is really bothering him, and to let him know that in the future, you will address it each time it happens. This lets him know that he can no longer have a free pass to keep up the comparisons.
Sometimes, just approaching it when you are both calm can inspire open communication that allow you to get to the real root of the problem. Because the comparisons are often a good indicator that your husband is trying very hard to get your attention and this can sometimes indicate some issues in your marriage that should not be ignored.
